A Civil Union? Yeah Right!

In case you’d missed it via Twitter or Facebook, my mammies got a civil partnership over in New Zealand on Monday the 4th January. It was a wonderful ceremony, with speeches from a brother, a sister in law, a mother and close friends. We had lots of our nearest and dearest there and would like to thank everyone who came along. So, this brief post is to post people to the photos that I have taken of the day (and the night or two before it). The set is available on Flickr (for free viewing, obviously), here. I’ll create a group at some point, for all of the photos of the event. Have a look, make comments and ask for more photos. These are the better ones (In my opinion anyway) but there are another 200+. Anyway, enjoy and take care everyone.

 

And So A Group is Formed

Last Saturday I participated in a research group. It was a kind of focus group. There was one thing that made it special: all the people there were the sons or daughters of lesbians or gay people. I’ll admit, I was excited. So we did the workshop, which was an open discussion about our families and our experiences of being the children of and in the LGBT community. It was really interesting listening to people talking about their families and there was a great positivity to the group.

So the pieces fell in place and, as one might expect, we decided to create a group of sorts. This is going to be a long-term project. We plan on setting up a support, information, advocacy and campaign group for children of LGBT parents. We’ll have a website, Facebook, Twitter and all that jazz. Sound like a bit of fun, or something you’d like to get involved in? Leave a comment or drop me an e-mail (conorpendergrast[at]gmail[dot]com).

But why would you need a group like this?

One theme that emerged from the group was a feeling of being a bit of an outsider. For me,  as a kid, there were times when I felt like a bit of a weirdo, having two mammies (of course, it occurred to me that there are very few ‘normal’ families out there). Having a bit of support in place could make life a lot easier for other children like us.  Knowing that there are plenty of people out there with two mums or two dads can make a big difference.

[Edit: Props to MarriagEquality for organising the event]

 

I’d like to blog…

… but I’m quite busy at university. I’m going to blog interesting stuff about my research project once it properly gets under way but for now here’s a notice of two events:

• GLEN are holding an information session on the Civil Partnership Bill this Wednesday (7th October) in the Westbury Hotel (Grafton St.) at 8pm. As they say:

The aim of these events is to inform people about what is in the Civil Partnership Bill and to discuss what it will mean practically for lesbian and gay couples. Dr Fergus Ryan, Head of DIT’s Law Department, will provide a detailed account of the Civil Partnership Bill.

Contact them for more details: http://www.glen.ie/

• MarriagEquality are also holding a workshop for adult children (18 years old +) of same-sex couples, to “share their experiences and opinions on growing up with LGBT parents” on November 21st. I’ll be there and if anyone else wants to be, call Dawn on 01 6599 459 or email dawn@marriagequality.ie. For more information see this page.

I’ll be back again more regularly soon.

– Conor

 

Sons and Daughters

Well, last week was a lot of fun. I had 1001 hits on the website and got my (heavily edited) letter in the Sunday Times, as well appearing on Matt Cooper‘s show on Thursday with Brenda Power (audio here – mp3, 5.3mb). I read Brenda’s second opinion piece and don’t think I’ll comment on it further than what I’ve already Tweeted – It’s an opinion piece that is not based in fact and she appears to have some sort of obsession with the idea that marriage is purely for reproductive purposes. As I said:

“To have and to hold, is sickness and in health, til you die from exhaustion having given birth to 8 children.”

The past week and Damien’s post got me thinking – we need a louder voice of children of LGBT couples in Ireland. So, here we go. If you are the son or daughter of a LGBT couple and would like to maybe do a joint blog, with the chance of radio, TV, newspaper, blog interviews (depending on how comfortable you would be with them) please e-mail conorpendergrast@gmail.com, or add me on Twitter and DM me. Or sure just leave a comment here 🙂

Inevitably there’ll be cases after the Civil Partnership Bill is brought in that highlight the massive problems with neglecting children in legislation. This’ll be our chance to stand up for our own rights and demonstrate how lesbian and gay parents are equally capable of raising well-adjusted and emotionally and socially stable individuals. Here’s the American Psychological Association’s policy on sexual orientation and parenting (And no Brenda, it’s not a single study. You can find similar policies but children’s groups across the US, but because of the relative rarity of cases in Ireland and even the UK, there are fewer studies here).

 

Open Letter to Brenda Power

Dear Brenda,

I read with a heavy heart your article in the Sunday Times on 5th July and felt it necessary to respond in order to dispel the notions that you used to form your argument against allowing same-sex couples to be considered to adopt children in this state. Your concern for the rights of children in Ireland is admirable, but your arguments, ironically, serve only to stigmatise children of same-sex partners. As the sons of a lesbian couple who have been together for nearly thirty years, my brother and I are more than aware of one of the criteria in particular you specify in the adoption process; “the likelihood of social acceptance of the child”. My parents are not (yet) in a legally recognised relationship. According to the law, I am no more than a stranger to my non-biological mother, Bernadette.

Not allowing gay couples to be considered as adoptive parents and not recognising their relationships as marriage is not only inequality, it’s social stigmatisation. You are essentially stating: “You’re relationship is not as valid as a heterosexual relationship. You are of less value to society. You’re family and children ought to be treated differently.” This, in effect, teaches us that children of same-sex partners are not socially acceptable. The irony, you must see, is that by denying these couples the right to be considered to adopt because their children might not be accepted socially, you are deciding by default that children of same-sex couples should not be accepted socially.

Yours sincerely,

Conor Pendergrast

[I also sent this to the editor of the Sunday Times. If anyone has an e-mail address for Brenda, I’d appreciate if you could comment and let me know what it is. The article itself can be found here, with Panti’s response here.]

 

Remember the way I was very excited?

It occurs to me that I never actually disclosed what I said was so exciting a little over a month ago… so here goes… 

 

On January 4th 2010 on a sandy beach (or in a bach, if the weather isn’t brilliant) of the beautiful island of Waiheke off the coast of Auckland in New Zealand, the wonderful Ann Pendergrast and ever-amazing Bernadette Manning (my delightful mothers, if you didn’t know that already) will be making honest women of each other and getting a civil union! After nearly 30 years together, they’ve decided to take a trip to Ann’s homeland to tie the knot. As might be expected, I am looking forward to it. Lots. We’re travelling there via Hong Kong, so I hope to pick up a new camera there (maybe a Canon Eos 40D, to upgrade my 350D). With a little luck I’ll be able to grab some snaps of the holiday there (although I cannot guarantee that I won’t be a weepy emotional mess… I get very teary at these kind of things). I’ll get to see my wonderful grandparents again (who will be turning 80 and 90 next year) and visit that most spectacular country.

Just thought y’all might like to know 🙂

 

Photo owned by Invisible Hour (cc)
 

Info point: Civil unions in New Zealand convey the same rights to couples as marriage (excluding the right to be considered to adopt children) and are available to both hetero- and homosexual couples.

 
Photo owned by shuttermonkey (cc)

Oh yes, I saw this a few weeks ago and forgot to mention it. Judge Judy talking about gay marriage. Lovely lady.

 

An Image of Parenthood

Something that really strikes a chord with me, and I like very much: 

 

Loving parents

 

Thanks to Fiona for this.

It really resounds with the concept I have of family, whereby it doesn’t matter what gender or orientation your parents are, as long as you have two loving and supportive people to care for you. This idea is something also supported empirically:

“Lesbian and heterosexual women have not been found to differ markedly either in their overall mental health or in their approaches to child rearing”

American Psychological Association

Wow I really like that image.

Anyway, in other news, in case you haven’t already seen it, Iceland made history by having the world’s first openly homosexual Prime Minister. It’s a shame that it takes a crisis to put aside issues of sexuality and just let someone do a job. But anyway, Johanna Sigurdardottir has been busy. So far, she wants Iceland to join the EU, asked the governors of the central bank to resign and announced that the government might revoke last week’s whaling extension. All this in the space of 3 days. Good work!

Anyway, I’m back from Paris. Normal services resume. I should have a Website of the Day up… soon.

 

My Agenda: The Language of the Same-Sex Family Debate

Wow, it’s been a month since I put anything online. I need to stay on top of this more.

For me, it’s important to understand the driving forces and emotions behind other people’s actions. As a result of this, and in the spirit of intelligent debate, I have looked at and come to understand most of the arguments against same-sex families, some of which I can sympathise with.

Some opponents fear that same-sex parents might be ill-equipped at raising children, while others feel that they would not provide adequate male and female role-models. For the time being, I will simply state that the evidence suggests that this is not the case, and I will deal with these subjects at length in a future post.

What annoys me, however, is the language sometimes used in the various debates. My encounter with a woman in a radio interview a short time ago (unfortunately the recording is no longer online) highlighted this for me. Two phrases in particular irritated me; “Same-sex family experiment” and “gay agenda”.

 

I’ll deal with the latter phrase first. The term “gay agenda” is, to me, somewhat ridiculous. It would be akin to saying that there was a slave agenda, a black agenda, or a women’s agenda, or that today there is a disability agenda. The various movements over the years have sought for the same things : equality and respect. It’s exactly what I’m looking for now, with the Civil Partnership Bill (And no, I agree, it’s not nearly good enough). All that my family and I desire is to be treated equal to any other family in the State.

And of course the words “gay agenda” bring to mind another phrase; “hidden agenda”. If you didn’t already  know it, let me share a secret with you: there is no plot for the homosexual community to corrupt the children and take over the world. Sorry, but it’s just not true.

Photo owned by fishermansdaughter (cc)

The other phrase, “same-sex family experiment” annoys me so because if my parents are seen as being the experimenters, then I am both the experiment and the product of the experiment. And who, honestly, wants people to think of them in the same way one thinks of a papier-maché volcano? I told my mother, Bernadette, about hearing this phrase, and she scoffed about it and said “It wasn’t an experiment, we just wanted to start a family”. This, I guess, is the crux of our story. My parents didn’t decide one day to see what would happen if they brought two children into their life. They weren’t looking at the variables and they haven’t sat down now and said “with Conor having survived until age 22 with no psychological scars, we can be 95% confident that he grew up in an environment as stable as a typical heterosexual family”.

 

Photo owned by xmatt (cc)

 

This family was started by a couple who were in love, and who decided to raise a family of their own. Is that so wrong?

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As always, your support and efforts are appreciated. From the humble comment to the supportive e-mail (conorpendergrast at gmail dot com) to an e-mail to the letters page of the Irish Independent or Irish Times, it all makes a difference. For more ideas, check out the What Can I Do page. And for everyone who has done something, much love.

 

Submission to Department of Justice regarding the Civil Partnership Bill

The following is a letter I wrote to the Department of Justice regarding the Heads of Civil Partnership Bill. It was printed in the letters page of the Irish Times on 30th July 2008.

Madam, – I am a 22-year-old man, living in Dublin and studying psychology in UCD. I was born in London, and have been living in Ireland for the past 13 years. I have a younger brother, Daragh, and two loving parents. My parents have been in a relationship for 28 years, since they were students.

In many ways my family are very regular; we have family dinners, we go to museums and we help each other out when the need arises. However, one detail leads to our family being treated dramatically differently. My parents are a lesbian couple called Ann and Bernadette, and in spite of their strong 28-year relationship, they are effectively treated as second-class citizens. I was conceived using sperm from a donor; there was no sexual relationship between Ann and the man who donated sperm, and I consider both Ann and Bernadette to be my parents, and both to be my mothers.

In many ways our family is lucky; my parents’ relationship is healthy, neither of them has been seriously ill and we have not experienced major misfortunes. However, if this had not been the case, and the family unit had broken apart, there would have been significant and unfair legal and financial difficulties regarding both custody and access to us, their children, and regarding passing money and property to us. As Bernadette is not my biological mother, there would have been a particular issue for her. Even now, with both Daragh and myself being adults, we are denied inheritance and succession rights to Bernadette’s property and wealth.

I am very pleased that the Government has begun the process of recognising my parents’ same-sex relationship, and that their relationship will be given legal recognition for the first time. This will provide them with security for the future, as well as provisions for inheritance, succession, etc.

However, as a son of a same-sex couple, I am very concerned that the Heads of Bill do not provide for them as parents. Neglecting this area leaves my family in an extremely vulnerable position, and I would be left vulnerable should anything happen to Ann, my biological parent.

The complexity of this area requires that a delicate approach be taken, but I urge the Government to provide the means of extending the rights and responsibilities of biological parents to non-biological parents. Bernadette is my mother, in emotional, financial and caring terms. This needs to be recognised by the Government, and provisions be put in place for the protection of children brought up in the same context.

Not providing legal recognition for Bernadette as my mother leads to many problems. If I were to be admitted to hospital, she would not have the right to visit me as her son. She would not need to be consulted or informed of any medical decisions made. Similarly, should she be in such a situation I would not have the right to be consulted either. There are no provisions for inheritance either; in the event of her death she could not leave me anything as a family member, and as such it would be subject to unfair inheritance tax. From a social point of view, not recognising her status as my mother is simply fuelling the stigma that same-sex relationships and parents are second to heterosexual parents, an idea not supported by vast amounts of research. It is for these reasons that I urge the Government to take into account families like mine, who are not currently given the protection and respect by the State they deserve, and the children of same-sex couples who need to be protected by the Civil Partnership Bill. – Yours, etc,

CONOR PENDERGRAST, Stillorgan, Co Dublin.

Feel free to contact me: conorpendergrast@gmail.com