And So A Group is Formed

Last Saturday I participated in a research group. It was a kind of focus group. There was one thing that made it special: all the people there were the sons or daughters of lesbians or gay people. I’ll admit, I was excited. So we did the workshop, which was an open discussion about our families and our experiences of being the children of and in the LGBT community. It was really interesting listening to people talking about their families and there was a great positivity to the group.

So the pieces fell in place and, as one might expect, we decided to create a group of sorts. This is going to be a long-term project. We plan on setting up a support, information, advocacy and campaign group for children of LGBT parents. We’ll have a website, Facebook, Twitter and all that jazz. Sound like a bit of fun, or something you’d like to get involved in? Leave a comment or drop me an e-mail (conorpendergrast[at]gmail[dot]com).

But why would you need a group like this?

One theme that emerged from the group was a feeling of being a bit of an outsider. For me,  as a kid, there were times when I felt like a bit of a weirdo, having two mammies (of course, it occurred to me that there are very few ‘normal’ families out there). Having a bit of support in place could make life a lot easier for other children like us.  Knowing that there are plenty of people out there with two mums or two dads can make a big difference.

[Edit: Props to MarriagEquality for organising the event]

 

I’d like to blog…

… but I’m quite busy at university. I’m going to blog interesting stuff about my research project once it properly gets under way but for now here’s a notice of two events:

• GLEN are holding an information session on the Civil Partnership Bill this Wednesday (7th October) in the Westbury Hotel (Grafton St.) at 8pm. As they say:

The aim of these events is to inform people about what is in the Civil Partnership Bill and to discuss what it will mean practically for lesbian and gay couples. Dr Fergus Ryan, Head of DIT’s Law Department, will provide a detailed account of the Civil Partnership Bill.

Contact them for more details: http://www.glen.ie/

• MarriagEquality are also holding a workshop for adult children (18 years old +) of same-sex couples, to “share their experiences and opinions on growing up with LGBT parents” on November 21st. I’ll be there and if anyone else wants to be, call Dawn on 01 6599 459 or email dawn@marriagequality.ie. For more information see this page.

I’ll be back again more regularly soon.

- Conor

 

Letter in today’s Irish Times

In a letter in today’s Irish Times (Amnesty and Civil Partnership) that follows up on Amnesty’s support of full gay and lesbian marriage as the only equality and John Waters‘ response denying that there is a human right to marry, Pauline Welby points out that in Article 16 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights it is accepted that

Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution . . . The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State

Well spotted Pauline! While I’m sure some people will try to twist it and insist that this right is only for men to marry women and women to marry men, any sound interpretation would conclude that this is for men and women to marry either a man or a woman.

Now, isn’t that good news for a bank holiday Monday?

 

Sons and Daughters

Well, last week was a lot of fun. I had 1001 hits on the website and got my (heavily edited) letter in the Sunday Times, as well appearing on Matt Cooper’s show on Thursday with Brenda Power (audio here – mp3, 5.3mb). I read Brenda’s second opinion piece and don’t think I’ll comment on it further than what I’ve already Tweeted – It’s an opinion piece that is not based in fact and she appears to have some sort of obsession with the idea that marriage is purely for reproductive purposes. As I said:

“To have and to hold, is sickness and in health, til you die from exhaustion having given birth to 8 children.”

The past week and Damien’s post got me thinking – we need a louder voice of children of LGBT couples in Ireland. So, here we go. If you are the son or daughter of a LGBT couple and would like to maybe do a joint blog, with the chance of radio, TV, newspaper, blog interviews (depending on how comfortable you would be with them) please e-mail conorpendergrast@gmail.com, or add me on Twitter and DM me. Or sure just leave a comment here

Inevitably there’ll be cases after the Civil Partnership Bill is brought in that highlight the massive problems with neglecting children in legislation. This’ll be our chance to stand up for our own rights and demonstrate how lesbian and gay parents are equally capable of raising well-adjusted and emotionally and socially stable individuals. Here’s the American Psychological Association’s policy on sexual orientation and parenting (And no Brenda, it’s not a single study. You can find similar policies but children’s groups across the US, but because of the relative rarity of cases in Ireland and even the UK, there are fewer studies here).

 

Yesterday, Thanks and This Evening

Hello all,

Just a quick post to mention two things.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who posted a comment, passed on this blog or read it yesterday. It was the busiest my blog has ever been, with 278 views, and I feel honoured to have that level of attention. Thanks specifically to Gaelick, Damien and Angry Potato for the links. I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging as much recently, I didn’t really feel the twinge of desire to express myself until I read that article.

Secondly, I’ll be on Matt Cooper’s The Last Word this evening at about 6pm, talking to him and Brenda Power. Should be good fun, so feel free to listen in and text in comments. It’d be nice to get some support.

 

Open Letter to Brenda Power

Dear Brenda,

I read with a heavy heart your article in the Sunday Times on 5th July and felt it necessary to respond in order to dispel the notions that you used to form your argument against allowing same-sex couples to be considered to adopt children in this state. Your concern for the rights of children in Ireland is admirable, but your arguments, ironically, serve only to stigmatise children of same-sex partners. As the sons of a lesbian couple who have been together for nearly thirty years, my brother and I are more than aware of one of the criteria in particular you specify in the adoption process; “the likelihood of social acceptance of the child”. My parents are not (yet) in a legally recognised relationship. According to the law, I am no more than a stranger to my non-biological mother, Bernadette.

Not allowing gay couples to be considered as adoptive parents and not recognising their relationships as marriage is not only inequality, it’s social stigmatisation. You are essentially stating: “You’re relationship is not as valid as a heterosexual relationship. You are of less value to society. You’re family and children ought to be treated differently.” This, in effect, teaches us that children of same-sex partners are not socially acceptable. The irony, you must see, is that by denying these couples the right to be considered to adopt because their children might not be accepted socially, you are deciding by default that children of same-sex couples should not be accepted socially.

Yours sincerely,

Conor Pendergrast

[I also sent this to the editor of the Sunday Times. If anyone has an e-mail address for Brenda, I'd appreciate if you could comment and let me know what it is. The article itself can be found here, with Panti's response here.]

 

More on the Anti-Gay Marriage Campaign

Just a quick post to share two things. First up, Stephen Colbert’s support for the anti-gay marriage campaign that’s been running in the US. Oh Stephen, this is a step too far, even for you and your bigoted ways!

The Colbert Report	Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition’s Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

 

Second, I like this quote from Noam Chomsky:

“…if you ask me whether or not I’m an atheist, I wouldn’t even answer. I would first want an explanation of what it is that I’m supposed not to believe in, and I’ve never seen an explanation.”

Taken from ‘The Fifty Most Brilliant Atheists of All Time’.

 

“Why Marriage Matters”

Without writing too much of an essay, I’d like to discuss a document I found by a group against extending the right of marriage to same-sex couples. I’ve decided not to link to it, to avoid giving them more air-time essentially. The document can be found here (pdf, 472kb). Obviously, you’ll find them fairly easily if you want to.

The first page of this document is essentially a “marriage is good and this is why”. According to this, marriage reduces the risk of poverty, protects mental and physical health and married people live longer and happier lives. 

So, why not extend this advantage to gay people? If these are the benefits to society (happier, healthier people; less risk of poverty; protection of mental and physical health) then surely we should avail of this for all members of society, not just straight people.

For those that argue that this might not stand true for same-sex families, let’s look at some evidence from the American Psychological Association  (as opposed to from a research body that acts as a front for conservative groups).

research indicates that, despite the somewhat hostile social climate within which same-sex relationships develop, many lesbians and gay men have formed durable relationships

Interesting eh? And how about:

Researchers… have also speculated that the stability of same-sex couples would be enhanced if partners from same-sex couples enjoyed the same levels of social support and public recognition of their relationships as partners from heterosexual couples do.

And finally:

research has found that the factors that predict relationship satisfaction, relationship commitment, and relationship stability are remarkably similar for both same-sex cohabiting couples and heterosexual married couples

For more information on this, take a look at their policy resolution (pdf, 194kb).

So now I turn to the second page, which includes the gem:

“Here are answers to help you defend the family”

From what? Please, tell me what I need to defend my family against? I think this point is often overlooked: We’re not talking about banning families. We’re not talking about abolishing heterosexual marriage. We’re talking about extending the opportunity and the option of marriage to more people.

 

“But this is what every same-sex home does — and for no other reason but to satisfy adult desire.”

That’s rubbish, utter rubbish. My own “same-sex home” was started with the intent of raising a family in a loving atmosphere. Saying that a home is started to “satisfy adult desire” makes it sound like a brothel, as opposed to the truth; that my family and that of other same-sex families are rarely different to opposite-sex families in terms of the love shared and the reasons they were started. 

“Marriage is about bringing male and female together, so that children have mothers and fathers, and so that women aren’t stuck with the enormous, unfair burdens of parenting alone— and that is good.”

In a same-sex relationship, the couple tend to distribute household tasks in a more equal way, as opposed to in heterosexual relationships, whereby the male and female tend to conform to their gender stereotypes. Marriage isn’t about bringing male and female together, it’s about joining two individuals in a committed and long-term relationship.

“Once you rip a ship off its mooring who knows where it will drift next?”

This kind of disgraceful scare-mongering is what is fuelling the anti-gay marriage movement. I can already hear someone scream “Won’t someone please think of the children?”. I am not looking for polygamy, I am not looking for marriage for brothers and sisters, I’m not looking for people to be able to marry their horses. The analogy used here implies that enabling  more members of society to marry their loved ones will lead to a breakdown in society’s family values and seems to be spoken of in the same tones as the apocolypse.  I’ll put this as clearly as possible: I want my parents to have the option to mark their relationship (24 years going this year) in a socially and legally recognised manner. This will not degrade anyone else’s relationship or marriage. If anything, it will strengthen the position that marriage will have, by ensuring that it is an institution open to all members of society, regardless of sexuality.

Legal scholars warn that the tax exempt status and accreditation of Catholic organizations could be at risk.

Sorry for needing to ask, but why exactly should Catholic organisations get tax exempt status? The Catholic Church has an unestimatable worth, hidden from view with loopholes and veils of secrecy. Check out this more a little more information (but very little to be honest). If anyone can shed some light on the financial goings-on of this Vatican-based powerhouse I would be very grateful.

But I digress. Why should any institution that teaches that people are not equal, that some people are evil by default, that reason and logic should be condemned at all opportunities and that their ideas are the only ideas that should be accepted ever be given funding and tax breaks by a state? Religion is ultimately harmful, as suggested by Voltaire:

Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities

Anyway, there’s plenty more there for people to look at and discuss. Feel free to leave a comment (especially if you disagree, I like a good chat ) and keep the debate going about this.

 

Compelled to blog

I found two new campaigns this evening I felt compelled to blog about.

1. Amazon’s move to classify all LGBT material as “adult” (regardless of whether it contains or does not contain nudity, sexual references etc. and additionally exclude it from some searches and best seller lists. They are also excluded from the sales rank feature. Check out the Twitter hype on it (I’m getting about 30 new results a minute for it) and sign the petition. Then make some noise about it, to a friend, on your blog, via Facebook, in your next tutorial, wherever. But tell at least one person…

2. This video is incredible, in the “that can’t be real” sense. Ridiculous. How can bringing in marriage for a group of people force a different group to change their lifestyle? Utter rubbish as usual. Check out the counter-campaign here, from the Human Rights Campaign.

 

Cringe

My friend Jason pointed me to this film. Baster. It’s a RomCom about:

An unmarried 40-year-old woman turns to a turkey baster and her married friend’s sperm in order to become pregnant

A turkey baster? Anyone remember when my family were on the Late Late, and Pat was prying about the turkey baster?

*cringe*